


Abyss

by Cold_Breeze



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Band Fic, Cheating, Consentrated on feelings, Emotional Roller Coaster, Feelings Realization, Guilt, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not too much romance but it's there, Second Chances, Slice of Life, Take 2 on relationship, smoking and drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22133029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Breeze/pseuds/Cold_Breeze
Summary: -"Ya", he shakes Hyungwon. "What’s wrong?"-"Everything." He looks back at Hoseok with a defeated look.-Hoseok, we closed this chapter of our lives. What are you trying to do now?-"I don’t know." He feels uneasy, his heartbeat is accelerating and he sheds the first tear. "I don’t know, Hyungwon. My mind is a mess and heart is a hole. I cannot do this anymore. I still need you. I love you. I think I am still in love with you. Tell me you love me too."Hyungwon cannot believe his ears. This man broke up with him not long after Hyungwon confessed but now he is hearing what he is hearing.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Hyungwonho
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am reuploading this story. 
> 
> I haven't realized I made so many grammar mistakes so I did some editing but didn't change the vibe of the story. 
> 
> Thanks for your time~

Hyungwon is sitting in the armchair, lazily eyeing Hoseok, his roommate for this short trip to Japan. Hoseok has been staring at his phone for a long time without saying a word. Hyungwon is a little surprised when he stares back at him with:

-Hey, what's up?

-Nothin’

-You’ve been starin’ this whole time.

-Have I?

-Pretty sure.

-Mmm.

Hyungwon takes a deep breath, rolls his eyes and gazes at the ceiling for a moment. He stretches out and returns to his book.

Hoseok raises an eyebrow.

-Are you ok, mate?

-Yeah, just tired.

Hoseok gets off the bed, soundlessly shifts towards the window to open up the curtains. He is looking outside for a second and then stands to the left from Hyungwon, the other guy didn’t raise his head.

He puts his hand on Hyungwon's top of the head and gently pats it with a small hint of a smile on his face.

-"Ya", nearly inaudibly responds Hyungwon.

-What’s wrong?

-Nothin’

-I heard that before. Look at me.

-…

-Now.

-What’s your problem, Hoseok? I said I am fine.

-Nah, you are not. I know that much.

"Oh yeah?" asks Hyungwon while turning his gaze straight at Hoseok. Hoseok stares at him back for a good second and frowns a little bit. The taller guy blankly looks at him back, indicating nothing behind his eyes. He knows he will get annoyed and will leave him alone for the lack of contribution to the conversation. Hoseok not giving it a second thought shifts his hand towards his shoulder giving it some pressure while turning his sight towards the window.

-The weather’s nice. Wanna go for a walk before we grab dinner with everyone else?

Hyungwon's stare is still on the shorter guy but he is not looking at him anymore.

-Nah.

-"Ok, fine. I will leave your grumpy majesty for today be. Sometimes, you’re annoying, Hyungwon, do you know that? I am trying to be open-minded and I am worried that you have been out of it for the last couple of days. Talk to me when you feel like it." He turns towards the door without sparing Hyungwon a single look, while the other one didn’t avert his eyes from him even for a second.

-Ya!

-"Yeah?" Hoseok didn’t manage to escape, but his hand is on a doorknob and he has no slightest intention to look at Hyungwon at this particular moment, his gut instinct knows it is not the best idea.

-If you come across Changkyun tell him I am not coming.

-Anything else?

-That’s all.

-Will you be down for dinner?

-Hit me up later.

Hoseok leaves without saying a word, letting a sigh of relief as soon as the door is closed. It is hard. Hyungwon is hard to deal with when he is not in the mood.

He goes 5 floors up to find Hyunwoo but stumbles upon Changkyun.

-Don’t know what’s up but Hyungwon said not to look for him.

-Huh?

-Dunno.

-This piece of salmon! I don't care what he said. Where is he right now?

-In the room.

-Oh! I was pretty sure he fled somewhere where I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him.

Hoseok looks at the maknae who is obviously plotting something, gives it a small shrug and leaves him in order to pursue his own aim.

As soon as Hoseok left, Hyungwon put the book aside and flopped onto the bed, face crashing in the pillow, his arms hanging from both sides of the single bed.

“Tired” the only thought that was crossing his mind. 

“So tired”. Hyungwon didn’t know what to do anymore, he wasn’t sure what he was doing before but he is absolutely convinced the secrets his heart holds are burdensome and need some sort of resolution. 

How many years has it been? A little bit over five since he met Hoseok. 

They weren’t buddy buddies the second they met but considering their circumstances they did become closer - firstly as trainees, secondary as competitors and lastly as bandmates and friends. Hyungwon is not the friendliest type. No, he is not any kind of a hermit. However, he is not particularly in love with humanity. He is cautious and doesn’t need too many of them in his life. Hoseok was one of these people who grew on him. With time, patience and love.

That’s how he loved his surroundings to grow. That’s the way he invited people into his life and Hoseok was not an exception. 

Sometimes, however, Hyungwon thinks he gave him too many opportunities, whether it is for better or worse.

Changkyun knocks on the door while Hyungwon is trying to think into times that are already gone and are nowhere to be found. 

He gets up, drags his legs slowly towards the door. He knows who is behind the door, he doesn’t have to ask. After clicking the lock open he briefly makes it onto the bed once again. Same position but with a louder bang and sigh this time.

-Would you be so kind as to explain why were you planning on canceling our plans?

-Was planning? I already did, sorry. Not going anywhere.

Hyungwon's face was smashed into the pillow and it was a little hard to breathe but the idea of choking was more appealing than being burnt to ashes from Changkyun’s dead stare.

The maknae took a look at the minibar that was right next to the window.

-I will get myself a drink. Want one?

-Nah.

-Are you sure? They've got your favorite Beefeater.

-And tonic?

\- Aha.

-Make me one. Heavy on gin, light on tonic and lots of ice. Glass of water next to it, please.

-Do I look like a bartender to you?

-"If I put an apron and one of the ties with a logo you might as well become one," Hyungwon chuckled.

They've been sitting on the terrace for a while until Changkyun broke the silence.

-So.

-So...

-Why don’t you wanna go out?

-Sorry, not feelin‘ like it.

-Is there a reason?

-Not really.

Hyungwon was staring at his half-empty glass, taking a sip every other half a minute.

-Take your time. You know what will happen if you get too drunk. Hoseok will be snapping, crackling and poppin‘.

Hyungwon gives out a loud snort.

-Really?

-Yeh, really. Last time’s scene is imprinted in my mind.

-It is funny that every time I am drunk out of my mind the partner in crime always gotta be you.

-Yeah, I wonder. I wonder why Hoseok hyung has to react the way he does. Especially since it is you.

-Me? The way you stress it sounds as if I am either the God or an empty space.

-"I wonder which would it be." Changkyun laughed out loud.

-Nah, I don’t wanna know. Keep it to yourself and bring me another drink.

While making them yet another drink Changkyun asks

-Why don’t you wanna go out? The places I was recommended are supposed to be really good.

-Tired.

-You’re always saying that but it never stops you.

-Today is one of the days I am not planning on selling my soul to the devil. Is it such a bad thing? You gotta learn somethin‘ from Minhyuk and Hyunwoo. They managed to go steady for a long time now. You will be amazed to find out what miracles a single girl can do to you.

\- Ish, I know I know...I am an irresponsible one. Oh well, I am sorry for not being able to keep a single soul next to me.

-That’s not what I meant hun, and you know it.

Hyungwon stares at the sky, legs crossed on the rails.

-Here.

-Thanks.

They toast to something stupid and start on the drinks quite eagerly. As time passes by, both of them slowly get tipsy.

-You sure you aren’t going?

-Are you that pent up?

-Kind of.

-Sorry, not in the mood.

-Mmm, by the way, you aren't in the mood because of Jooheon or Hoseok?

-What?

-Well, you were bickering with Jooheon yesterday and Hoseok didn’t look his best while delivering news, so..either of them if I gotta choose.

Hyungwon looks to his left where Changkyun was half looking at his phone, half staring somewhere at the horizon.

-Neither Jooheon nor Hoseok, he didn’t do anything.

-Hmm..well sometimes his whole existence is an issue to you, so I would argue with the later one.

-Hah existence, a fancy word you chose right there.

-Hoseok hyung is fancy, at times.

Hyungwon starts laughing. He gives out neither his sincere nor fake laugh. Something in the middle - light and unthought one.

-Tell me, is it hard to stay next to him?

-Why do you think so?

-Because he makes your mood switch like rocket science.

-"Nah. He is just a good fella. Just as good as you are." Hyungwon is giving a side smile to Changkyun who is looking directly at him.

-Nah, don't believe ya, Mr. Chae. You can fool Kihyun or maybe Hyunwoo hyung but not Detective IM.

-Don’t make it a concern, hun.

Hyungwon looks at Changkyun for a quick second and flops back in his chair even deeper.

-The stars are beautiful.

-Yeah, you goin‘ for dinner?

-Nah.

-Nah?

-Nah.

-Should I order something before leaving?

-Hmm..something light.

-Ok‘ I will order something for you. You want me to make you another drink before leaving?

-Yeah, please.

Changkyun ordered mini crab cakes, fruits and a bunch of Japanese shrimp snacks. He knew Hyungwon would not be in the mood for any meal that would actually fill you up so he decided to cheat a bit.

Hyungwon finished his drink leisurely, gazing at the stars and thinking about nothing in particular. 

After he was done he stood up to have a hot shower. He would prefer a bath but in his condition, he was afraid of falling asleep. Hyungwon didn't know what to do afterward. He was contemplating changing and going for another round of drinks to the lobby bar but the idea of going alone gave him a bad aftertaste in his mouth so he decided to stop with fun for the night and watch some TV instead. 

He landed on the bed, checking if there were any good movies. They were broadcasting „Ghost“ with Japanese dubbing which made Hyungwon uneasy. Demi Moore speaking Japanese didn’t appeal to him so he stopped on „Friends“, no dubbing and they will be on for another three hours. 

He didn’t notice when he fell asleep. 

Hyungwon was laying on his right side with his hand under the head when he woke up. It was way behind midnight. It was pitch black outside, he could see stars.

The TV was almost inaudible in a dim room. At that moment he realized he wasn't the only one in it. Hoseok was sitting on the edge of the bed next to Hyungwon's - legs crossed, a turned-off phone in his one hand while another was supporting his resting face. He was looking at Hyungwon.

-Hoseok?

-Hm?

-What are you doing?

-Nothin‘

-Ok.

Hyungwon turned on his back and tried to stretch out, mind completely blank.

-"You’ve been drinking," Hoseok half-whispered.

Hyungwon turned around to look at Hoseok who apparently didn’t move an inch since Hyungwon started to be aware of him. His right hand again supporting his head.

-Yeah, Changkyun’s idea.

-Why didn’t you come for dinner?

-You didn’t write me.

-Would you come if I did?

-Nah.

Hyungwon is one of these people who is fond of having eye contact with the interlocutor but sometimes it was hard to keep up with Hoseok. The way he looked at Hyungwon sometimes was very intimidating. It was one of these exact moments.

-Are you upset? How was dinner?

-Hmm.

-Hmm?

Hyungwon sits up, rubs his eyes and yawns at the same time.

Hoseok stares intensively. 

Hyungwon looks through Hoseok, through the window, up to the stars - contemplating that the weather must had been nice yesterday. He didn't get to see much, apart from his never-ending empty glass and a little bit of balcony view. His attention gets back to Hoseok, he changed neither his position nor the trajectory of his vision.

-Did something happen at the dinner? Why are you so dark?

-Did you think about what I told you before?

Hyungwon’s eyes are wide open now, even though the alcohol is still in the systém.

-Nah, I forgot.

-You didn’t forget to drink though.

-What’s wrong with you? Did Changkyun piss you off or something?

-Did you want to go „hunting“ after dinner?

-Huh? So he did go!

-So you wanted to.

-Yeh, anything wrong with it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? What's that? You don't have your needs? You're doing the same exact thing when the time comes. Why put the blame on me?

-The way you guys do it is just dirty.

-Dirty? Dirty you say huh!

-No, sorry that’s not what I mean.

-Well, whatever the reason is, it already slipped your tongue. Whatever. You can think about whatever. Don't you dare talk to Changkyun about it! You will have to deal with me if you upset the kid.

-No, I didn't mean it. Let me apologize.

At this point Hyungwon is not looking at Hoseok anymore. He is getting annoyed. He is not sleepy anymore and now is craving another drink. After thinking for a second he decided to go for it. He was aiming towards the minibar when Hoseok grabbed his hand halfway through.

-Let me go.

-Let me apologize.

-What for? For calling me a dirty slut?

-I didn't mean it, Hyungwon-ah! You know it, you know I didn't mean it. It just slipped my mind.

Hyungwon turns around to look at Hoseok again who was returning the eye contact.

-Then why is it that you said it out loud?

-I was upset.

-Upset?

-I don’t like the idea of you looking for one night stands.

Hyungwon is getting even more irritated by now. He is trying to read Hoseok but he doesn’t show any strong feelings, just a little bit of regret. He is trying to snatch his hand but he doesn’t let go.

-You do realize how snobbish you sound, do you? You can have them but I cannot. I will stop as soon as I find a steady date.

-Don’t.

-What do you mean don’t?

-It will distract you.

-Hoseok cut the crap. You've been walking on the thin ice ever since I woke up.

-"Whatever." Declares Hoseok. He lets his hand go and looks in a different direction. 

Hyungwon continues to the minibar and makes himself a drink. He takes a look at Hoseok who is looking the other way and the idea of spending the night in these four walls with him becomes unbearable.

-I am staying at Chankyun's.

-"What?" Hoseok is utterly surprised.

-"No, don’t." He grabs Hyungwon's hand halfway and makes him turn around almost spilling his drink. Both of his hands on Hyungwon's shoulders and he presses them harder than he is supposed to. Hyungwon doesn’t say anything to that.

-Stay here. Changkyun is not there and Jooheon is probably already sleeping.

Hyungwon eyes Hoseok, contemplating whether he wants to kiss him or spill his drink on him. The second thought sounds more appealing even though his heart starts aching as soon as the idea crosses his mind.

-Let me go, Lee Hoseok. You look like a girl who is trying to get her ex back right now.

Hoseok is not sure whether his ears failed or what Hyungwon said is indeed true.

-Hyungwon, your sense of humor sometimes is way too off.

-"Oh, is it?" Hyungwon sits on the bed, opposite him sits Hoseok.

-Yeah.

-Mind explaining what are you doing? You playing me or something?

-What do you mean?

-"Lee Hoseok, I understand that we’re important to each other and we need each other to some degree but our friendship gotta have some limits. It is a little too much for one tipsy evening. Just spill what you want from me or let me be. It is also a very annoying trait of yours." Hoseok is attentively looking at Hyungwon and then decides to sit next to him. Hyungwons head turns into his direction.

-What?

Hoseok stares at his lips and eyes back and forth. He tried to cup his face but Hyungwon slapped his hand away. He feels upset but doesn't give up.

-What are..?

-Shh, stop. No more talking. Close your eyes. Let me talk to your heart. Maybe it will be more honest than your words.

Hoseok leans forward for another try and Hyungwon doesn’t fight him this time. Hyungwon responds to a kiss while trying to put his drink to the nearest spot. They make out for a good minute. You cannot call it over the top sexual kiss, but it was sensual and a good one. 

A moment later Hoseok notices something wet on his cheek. He opens his eyes to find Hyungwon's silent crying. He stops immediately, Hyungwon opens his eyes and tries to avoid him directly.

-"Ya", he shakes Hyungwon. "What’s wrong?"

-"Everything." He looks back at Hoseok with a defeated look.

-Hoseok, we closed this chapter of our lives. What are you trying to do now?

-"I don’t know." He feels uneasy, his heartbeat is accelerating and he sheds the first tear. "I don’t know, Hyungwon. My mind is a mess and heart is a hole. I cannot do this anymore. I still need you. I love you. I think I am still in love with you. Tell me you love me too."

Hyungwon cannot believe his ears. This man broke up with him not long after Hyungwon confessed but now he is hearing what he is hearing.

-You’re crazy.

-For you, yes.

Hyungwon ignores.

-Let me ask you. You were completely fine this whole time. What did I do to trigger you to change your mind?

-Nothing.

-"I don't think it is smart of you to lie to me, Hoseok. You are either not aware of it yourself or you are just hiding it from me. Figure it out and let's talk it out later." Hyungwon tries to stand up but Hoseok, who is still in the middle of crying pulls him back to bed and lays on top of him.

-"Hoseok." Hyungwon almost screams his name, his eyes are still glassy. „Let me go this second.“

-"You gotta believe me." He puts his hand on Hyungwon's cheek while quietly crying. „Believe me"

-"Hoseok", says Hyungwon who is on the verge of crying again. „Hoseok, you were the one who rejected my love and existence. You were the one who said that my imagination is too wild and I let it slip into the fairy tale. You were the one who cheated on me and you were the one to end it. I was sincere back then. Why do you think I would hold „love" towards you to this day? Are you confident enough?"

Hoseok never stops caressing Hyungwon's cheek, still shedding his tears on Hyungwons face but he doesn't look at him anymore, his gaze is only fixated on his cheek. He tries speaking a couple of times but fails. Finally, he starts

-"I think.. you still have feelings for me. I am so sorry." He wants to kiss Hyungwon but he doesn’t let him.

-Asshole. Get off of me. Now.

-No.

-Now!

Hoseok tries to cup his face but after a couple of failures, he just hugs him tight and crosses his legs behind Hyungwon's back.

-Let me go, otherwise, you will regret it. Please.

-No.

Hyungwon elbows Hoseok and he is surprised how powerful his strike was. Hyungwon stands up but Hoseok grabs his hand and glues to him again.

-What’s wrong with you? Let me fucking be. Are you on something? What? Do you want me to fuck you that much?

-Will you stay if I say „yes"?

-You make me sick, Hoseok. You’re sick.

-"Maybe." He hugs Hyungwon and tries to také a deep breath while closing his eyes, stopping his mind from thinking for a second.

Hyungwon snatches his arm and throws him onto the bed. Hoseok is shocked or surprised, both. 

He looks at Hyungwon and he knows he made a mistake, a big one and he might have already ruined everything. 

Hyungwon is out of himself. He is utterly miserable inside but the facade of anger took over his body.

-What are you laying there for? Need a special invitation? Strip!

Hoseok doesn’t move. Hyungwon snaps and gets on the bed, gets on top of the other guy. He looks at his eyes but then closes his own and while taking a deep breath he tries to unbutton his shirt. 

Somehow, Hoseok feels the idea of dying is not as repulsive as it used to be.

-Don’t, Hyungwon.

-Huh? I thought that's what you wanted. No? Should I say I love you while fucking your mind out as well? Sorry, I cannot. I can give everything else though. Feel free to ask. I am sure my pathetic self will not decline you.

Hoseok starts crying again.

-"Stop fuckin‘ crying. It's gettin‘ on my nerves." Hyungwon hisses through his teeth but Hoseok doesn't hear him and hugs him tight and makes him collapse on top of his body. He doesn't let Hyungwon's way and just shifts him, putting his right leg on his thigh and squeezes Hyungwon in a hug.

-I love you.

Hyungwon doesn't respond. At this point, he is not able to cry. He is neither angry nor upset. He feels very empty and there is no one to blame but himself. 

Hyungwon started to nod off while Hoseok was whispering words he hasn't heard for so long into his ear, while Hoseok was kissing his back of the neck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note, Jooheon and Hyungwon call each other "jagiya" which means honey or sweety. They pronounce it with "z" so I used it numerous times.  
> Also....combini means convenience store in case someone is confused.

It's not even 5 AM when Hyungwon wakes up from a nightmare. 

His heart is beating fast and he is not quite sure where he is. He feels a wrapped hand around his chest. 

"Hoseok" he thinks. "This idiot". Hoseok is slowly breathing behind him. Hyungwon takes his hand off of him and slowly gets off the bed. His head is aching and the thing he wants the most at the moment is some aspirin. He changes into casual clothes and slowly closes the door of the room heading out to the nearest combini. 

“What should I get?" His mind is a mess. He ends up getting a coke, pack of menthols and a pack of chewing gum. 

"This will do". The idea of coming back to the room is not the brightest so he decides to take a walk around the narrow river where their hotel is situated. He has been sitting on a bench for a while when someone taps him on the shoulder.

-Zagiya? You’re up?

-Yeah, Changkyun came in late and drunk. That guy is talking in his sleep, insane.

Hyungwon laughed out loud.

-Why didn’t you show up for dinner?

-Mm sorry didn’t feel like it.

-Is Hoseok sleeping?

-Should be.

-What's that? Cigarettes? Did you start again? I thought you quit.

-Dunno. I haven't opened it yet.

-Don’t.

-I know.

-Hoseok did something, didn’t he?

-Come on, honey not you as well.

-So Changkyun did ask you.

-Sometimes he is very annoying.

-And he has a great sixth sense.

-Whatever.

-Let’s go back.

-Nah, you go first.

-Let’s go to your room. Changkyun must be in the middle of mumbling I am not too eager to know of what exactly.

-In that case, we can get some coffee on the balcony.

-Sounds good.

Hoseok wakes up and cannot figure out who is talking. He rubs his eyes and slowly stretches. The sun is shining and he realizes Hyungwon is talking to Jooheon behind the closed door of the terrace.

-Mornin’

Jooheon turns to say hello with a small smile while Hyungwon without turning around mumbles “mornin’". He slides into a chair next to Hyungwon.

-Why are you here?

-Chankyun is talking in his sleep.

-Haha, he came in late?

-Yeah.

-I see.

Hyungwon went to take a shower and as soon as he went out Jooheon almost bumps into him:

-It’s late, gotta go and take a shower.

-Ok.

Hoseok was in the balcony playing with an unopened pack.

-You wanna start again?

-Maybe.

-Don’t.

Hyungwon sits next to him and gives a loud sigh. Hoseok turns around to take a look at him. He looks tired.

-When did you wake up?

-The sun wasn’t up yet.

-Got some aspirin?

-Yeah.

-Um..about yesterday.

-What about it?

-You remember, right?

-I wasn’t that drunk, don’t underestimate my memory.

-I didn’t mean it that way.

-What did you mean then? Ah..you're saying I should forget? Don't worry. In the middle of the process.

-Hyungwon-ah!

-WHAT? Hoseok, I am tired. I am just very tired to play your charades. What do you want to say? All of it was a mistake? Ok, I get it. You want me to forget? Ok, I will. Don't sweat.

-I don’t want you to forget what I told you though. I want you to think about it.

-No.

-No? Why not?

-Because it’s a NO. Or is it that you are still confident I am head over heels for you?

Hoseok looks down and he is not quite sure how he should respond. 

It’s no use talking to Hyungwon when he is angry. He didn’t want to consider the idea Hyungwon might really just not care. 

He slowly reached for Hyungwon's cheek and lightly started moving his hand back and forth. Hyungwon didn’t move. He was staring somewhere far away. Hoseok gulped.

-Come on, look at me.

Hyungwon didn’t move an inch but said

-"You're ruining everything, Hoseok. We are over. The Fin. Why are you doing it to me and yourself? You know it didn't work the first time. It would never. You know it was hard to come back to being "friends" again. Don't ruin my trust again because I might as well never forgive you this time around."

Hoseok tensed up, he let go Hyungwon's cheek and put his hand on Hyungwon's lap.

-Don’t say it like that.

-"What are you talking about?" Hyungwon turns around to look at Hoseok who is staring back at him.

-Don’t say we are over.

-That's exactly what we are and if you keep on pushing me to the edge, Hoseok…I don't know what the consequences will be. My heart is not made of gold and I am not that generous with my feelings, and you are perfectly aware of it.

-I love you.

-How can you lie to me straight to the eye?

-I do not.

-Sorry, but I don’t believe you.

* * *

They were done with the schedule for the day - Jooheon, Changkyun, and Hyungwon went out. 

Hoseok came back to the hotel room. 

He wanted a drink but he didn't want to lose to himself so he just made a cup of coffee and went to the balcony.

"I am insane. What the hell am I doing? Maybe I finally lost it and need to go see a shrink or something.” He ruffles his hair and his sight falls down on the pack of cigarettes that has been laying there since the morning. 

"Well, this might do". He slowly inhales and puffs out a huge cloud of smoke. "Wow, it's been a while." 

The last time he smoked was the time he and Hyungwon were together. Hoseok never knew what actually going out means since they were always together. Nevertheless, both of them would occasionally go for coffee, walks, and drinks. Hyungwon always smoked when he was nervous. "At least that's what his subconsciousness was telling him to do." He once said to Hoseok. 

Hoseok liked Hyungwon for a long time. He liked him as a friend but at some point, his feelings grew. He was afraid to mouth them, but Hyungwon is not oblivious and when their flirting crossed all the boundaries he confessed. They were happy. They were happy together but it didn't last too long. 

Hoseok knew it was his fault they broke up. He indeed cheated on him. 

He was lost. 

He wasn't sure whether he liked Hyungwon enough to keep it up. 

He didn't want to lose his friend, he thought it would be better to go back to point ZERO - the beginning, the time where everything was alright and not too complicated. 

He made a mistake. A big one. He regrets it. 

He regrets the way he treated Hyungwon and he understands now that he is his first real love. 

Hoseok is lovable, maybe a little too much for his own good. However, he doesn't trust people too easily. 

He knows he didn't believe in Hyungwon and that's why it ended the way it did. 

Now he knows he wants and needs him, and something tells him Hyungwon still has feelings for him but he knows there is a chance Hyungwon might be telling the truth. He might have not forgiven him and what he did yesterday made it even worse. 

“UGH” he exhales. In the end, he goes to the minibar to get himself a beer. 

He is reminiscing about times when Hyungwon was smiling at him innocently, falling asleep on his shoulder and talking about books he found great.

Knock at the door.

-Kihyun, what’s up?

-Idiotic kids are wasted. Hyunwoo is raging. Changkyun has been on his nerves since yesterday and he thought Hyungwon would take care of everything but it seems they’ve been making him drink shots and you know what happens when Chae drinks shots.

-Ohh.

-Yeah, oh why didn't you go with them?

-I was not invited.

Kihyun laughs.

-Ok, “Mr, no one invited me” wanna go and help me pick them up? Hyunwoo refused to and Minhyuk is out of reach.

-Sure.

They were drunk. Hyungwon was sitting in the middle while Jooheon and Changkyun were resting on both sides of his shoulders.

-You’re late, Yoo Kihyunniie.

-God, Hyungwon. Why did you have to get drunk?

-"It wasn’t me. It was them. They tortured me to drink, Kihyun. Give me a hand." At this moment he realizes there is someone behind Kihyun.

-Hoseok, what are you doing here?

-He is here to get your drunk asses home, Hyungwon. Stop spurring nonsense.

-"It’s fine, Kihyun." Says Hoseok. “We are in a small fight right now.”

-"Hahahaah…yeah, right. This small", Hyungwon shows with his clenching thumb and index fingers together.

-Whatever. Hyungwon can you walk? Hoseok will take Jooheon. We gotta take care of Changkyun.

Hyungwon wasn't as drunk as he looked, so he had no problem walking on his own. Hoseok and Kihyun piggybacked the younger ones.

-"Phew. Fresh air. It was super hot inside." Hyungwon exclaims.

-"Yeah, I could tell." Says Kihyun. "You gotta stop going out with them. They don’t know when to stop."

-Come on, we don’t do it that often and Changkyun's been itchy for a while.

-Whatever, you’re older. You should know better. The girls next table were drooling all over when we were leaving.

-Ah, whatever. I don’t care.

* * *

-"I am sleeping with them." Declares Hyungwon when they reach the hotel.

-Why?

-Hoseok, you don’t wanna smell the alcohol right? It’s better I stay with them.

-Actually, I had a drink or two myself.

Hyungwon and Kihyun turn their heads in surprise.

-You did?

-Yeah.

-Hmmm…whatever I am staying with them. Might as well get another drink before hitting the bed.

-I will join you then.

Kihyun couldn’t care less. Hyungwon doesn’t care at this point as well.

-Whatever, let’s have one then.

They put Changkyun and Jooheon on the beds. Hyungwon is heading to the minibar.

-Kihyun, do you want one as well?

-Nah, I am dead tired. Gonna hit the bed.

-Ok, see ya.

-"What do you want?" Hyungwon asked while looking inside the minibar.

-Beer.

-Ok.

Jooheon and a Changkyun were snoring and somehow it made Hyungwon laugh out loud. Hoseok looked at Hyungwon and he is not sure what he should say.

-Balcony?

-Yeah.

-Did you smoke it?

-Yeah, sorry. I didn’t ask you.

-"Hmm," Hyungwon takes one and Hoseok lights it up for him.

-"Thanks", as he inhales greedily.

-Mind if I take one as well?

-Go ahead.

They did not talk for a long time. 

Troye Sivan - Youth was quietly playing and Hoseok didn't know whether he had to say something but since Hyungwon was silent he knew it is not the best timing.

Hyungwon went to sleep with Chankyun while Hoseok with Jooheon. The maknae started to mumble something and to crush Hyungwon in his sleep. Hoseok was still awake and he wanted to separate them immediately. Hyungwon said something quietly but he was still asleep. 

Hoseok tried to take Changkyun’s hand off Hyungwon but he didn't let go. He brushed Hyungwon's hair off his eyes and gave him a small kiss on the forehead. 

Jooheon pretended he didn't see it and turned over.

The next morning Minhyuk barged in the room.

-Rise and shine, young alcoholics.

They were hangover. Hyungwon went to take a shower, the rapper duo was rambling nonsense, Hoseok was sleep deprived.

-So, Kihyun said you had fun yesterday. Spill it.

-"Hyungwon got a stack of numbers. Can you imagine?" Changkyun was saying as he yawned.

-"Really? Where is his wallet? Let me see." Minhyuk finds his wallet in his pants and whistles to them.

-Look, Hoseok. A couple of them have lipstick kisses on them. Cheesy.

Hoseok pretends to look but turns away immediately.

-Yeah, cool.

Jooheon’s eyeing Hoseok with curiosity and then says

-"Hyung, you had to go with us. It was fun to watch. At some point, one guy came and started to talk to zagiya and girls lost their shit. I thought they will fight over him."

-A guy?

-Yeah, hahah. Anyway, Changkyun let’s go. We need to get ready.

-Give me the cards.

-"Hoseok I don’t think he is going to call any of them." Minhyuk laughs out loud.

-"Give. them. to. me." Hoseok goes through all of them but can't tell the difference. In the end, he just throws them all in the bin. Minhyuk looks amused.

-Are you jealous or something?

-No.

-No? You know he is a big boy and he knows how to behave. Maybe Changkyun is right. He needs someone. He has been down recently.

-Changkyun wants him to date?

-Yeah, he says the boy is depressed. Something eats him up. He didn’t crack him yet though. Cannot wait what our small Sherlock will come up with. He has been obsessed with Hyungwonnie recently.

-"Who is obsessed with who," says Hyungwon who just got out of the shower.

-"Changkyun!" says brightly Minhyuk. "You've been his obsession recently."

-Our love is undeniable.

Hoseok has been looking at Hyungwon this whole time but Hyungwon didn’t spare him a single look.

-Why do you have my wallet? I don’t think I have any cash. Ran out of it yesterday.

-Ah nah, we were just looking at your amazing collection of numbers you managed to get. Hoseok threw them all away though.

-Minhyuk!

-Nah, it's fine...I didn't like any of them. I wasn't planning on staying in contact anyway.

-Even the guy?

Hyungwon frowns and looks at Minhyuk, at Hoseok and back at Minhyuk.

-How do you know? No. None of them caught my eye.

-Jooheon. He said they almost fought with girls.

-Nonsense.

-Hahahah I wish I were there. I would like to see that, right Hoseok?

-Ah yeah.

-Whatever. Let’s forget about it. The night was bad and I don’t want to remember about it ever again. Should we go?

-Hoseok needs to take a shower first, right?

-Ah yeah.

-Okay, go ahead I need to do something fast as well.

-Should I go with..?

-Nah, it's fine. I will be back in half an hour.

Hyungwon was drinking coffee while sitting on Hoseok's corner of the bed. The weather was ugly - a thunderstorm and it was raining buckets.

-"Disgusting," mumbled Hyungwon.

-Who is?

Hyungwon turns around and says “You”. Hoseok is wearing only his boxers.

-Oh.

Hyungwon without much thought turns around to his previous position and says “Yeah”. 

Hoseok is hard to make angry but he is a very sensitive person, he gets offended easily, like a kid. 

Hyungwon knows it well. He said it on purpose but regrets it instantly. 

He peeks at Hoseok who is putting his pants on. You could tell he is down but Hyungwon is not the one who should ask for forgiveness.

-Hyungwon.

-Mm?

-What do you think of me?

-What do you mean?

-Answer me, you know what I mean.

-You’re a good person, Hoseok. You really are.

-That’s it?

-Yeah, that’s it. Do you want to hear something specific?

-No, just something different.

-Hmm.

Hoseok goes to sit next to Hyungwon. Hyungwon eyes him but he doesn’t turn his way.

-Put on some clothes.

-Do you like it?

-You wish.

-Hyungwon...

-…the weather is horrible today.

-I want you back.

Hyungwon’s lips part slightly and he slowly turns to look at Hoseok. Their distance is nonexistent and he can hear the older's breath. 

His eyes are fixated on him and he is trying to read them, to see what is going on behind them. 

“What does this guy want from me? He gotta be fucking with me. He wants me back my ass. Why have I ever looked his way? He is a nice guy, no doubts.. but as a partner, he is one of the worst I met out there. I hate this part of his - needy, pushy. He doesn't want to let go until he is satisfied. And what's next? I will be left all alone again? No fucking way. NO. Maybe I should pay him back in the same coin. Play a bit and let him go. God, what kind of bull am I pulling? Does he really want me? There is a possibility but something tells me it is something else.”

-Hyungwon..?

-"Ah," as he turns away to look at the weather once again.

-Talk to me.

-Hoseok, the water is too deep. Do you know what I mean? I am suffocating. I can’t take it anymore, please have mercy on me.

-Hyungwon-ah, I will be your air.

He shook his head. “You are the one who takes my breath away, you make me incomplete.”

-Hyungwon, Look at me!

He turns Hyungwon in his direction, he shows no resistance. He changes his glance to Hoseok. Hyungwon's eyes are clear and wide awake, Hoseok gulps. He pushes the taller guy's hair behind and looks all over his face. In the end, he starts caressing his cheek.

-Hyungwon-ah, I am so sorry but I love you. I might as well die if I don’t get you to love me.

"Monster," thinks Hyungwon as Hoseok's first tear falls down. His eyes are getting glassy but he doesn't blink and keeps on staring not at Hyungwon directly, but at his cheek, he hasn’t stopped touching for a second.

-Hoseok, don’t cry. Please.

-I am not crying.

Hyungwon pulls his jumper on his knuckle and slowly wipes away tears that start falling down as soon as Hoseok closes his eyes. Even minutes later he doesn’t stop. Hyungwon starts feeling guilty. He pulls him into a hug and Hoseok starts audibly sobbing.

-Come on, please. Don’t do this to me.

-I am sorry but I cannot go without you.

-That’s what you think. I am your friend, I will always be. I will come to your wedding and even will stop by to have a piece of cake at your kid's birthdays.

-“No” exclaims Hoseok as he looks straight at Hyungwon. His eyes are watery but he is not crying.

-No, you should be the one next to me. You and, and you alone.

-"I am so sorry, Hoseok but I don't believe you. You left me once. I know you will do it again. I do not have as much confidence in you as I used to." He pulls Hoseok’s hair behind his ears and slowly looks him in the eye.

-Honestly speaking, honestly speaking Hoseok. I think I still have feelings towards you. I don't think I am in no position to lie about it. You were right about it. Nevertheless, I do not want to be with you. Your existence is a danger to my mind and heart. I can have you and try to be useful to you as a friend, but I do not want us to become anything more.

-But..but you say you love me.

-Yeah, but I am not as greedy as you are. My heart is aching seeing you in pain but I know you will let it go and start anew tomorrow. I do not have confidence in that. I know you will be alright. I cannot let you crush me twice. I will not be able to get over it once again.

-I will not let you down.

-You said exactly the same thing last time. I am sorry. I really am.

-No, you cannot. I want to live with you. I want to stay with you until we grow old. All I need is you, Hyungwon-ah. I want to touch you, can I?

-"Were you listening to me?" Hyungwon whispered.

-I need you to fall in love with me again. Remember the time when we just met and pretend I never betrayed your heart. I can become a better person for you. I can change.

He takes Hyungwon’s hand and puts it on his shoulder. He cups his face and slowly kisses him. He barely touches his lips. Every time he smacks them he breathes in full lungs of air. His hand goes to Hyungwon’s nape and he slowly touches his neck with a ring, middle and index fingers.

"I am fucked," thinks Hyungwon as he watches Hoseok breathing heavily. 

“What do I do and how can I wake up from this devilish nightmare?! I told him I have feelings for him, he knows it will be hard for me to refuse him but it proves my point once again. He pushes himself onto me without realizing how painful it is. If I say no he will get more obnoxious but if I say yes he will lose his roof. Sometimes I wish I never got to meet you, Lee Hoseok," thinks Hyungwon as he looks straight into Hoseok's eyes. Hoseok is a little scared. Hyungwon's stare is cold and there is a hint of contempt in it.

-"You lied. You said you loved me but in reality, you hate me." Hoseok gets up, he wants to find his shirt and leave as soon as possible.

-Hoseok, you don’t understand.

-Yeah, I am just a muscle man. Excuse my dumbness.

-Hos...

"Guys, we gotta go." Minhyuk yells while opening the door wide open.

-"Thank god," mumbles Hoseok.

Hyungwon is giving him a side look. He made him upset, yet again.

-"Damn it! Damn it!" Shouts Hyungwon. “Fine! Whatever! Sulk, cry, do whatever you want” as he gets in front of Hoseok who is standing in utter shock. 

-“Think whatever you want, Lee Hoseok. I don’t give a flying fuck. Don’t come near me for the time being and I am staying with Changkyun and Jooheon till the end of the trip. I need to chill.” He finishes and gets out of the room with a bang. 

Hoseok is not moving. He is standing for a second and then sits down on the edge of the bed. He got a lump in his throat. He tried to swallow but it didn’t help.

Minhyuk bewilderedly looks at the older guy.

-Hoseok, what did you do to make him THIS angry?

Hoseok exhales and says "Maybe I am just not enough. I just tried to be myself for a change,” he looks at Minhyuk and gives a crooked smile.


	3. Chapter 3

-"Zagiya, what’s wrong?" Jooheon flocks over Hyungwon on the couch.

Hyungwon is darker than black these days. Since they came back to Seoul he doesn’t talk much and shows up only when it is necessary. 

Their schedule is not very hectic and all of the guys are having a little break from each other. 

Nevertheless, they live together, at the end of the day you cannot vanish into the thin air completely.

-Mm nothing, hun...just tired.

-"Troubles sleeping?" Asks Changkyun who flops on the sofa next to him.

-Yeah.

-I have some pills if you want, they work but aren’t addictive.

-Yeah, maybe I should give it a try.

Changkyun signals Jooheon who winks at him back.

-So, yeah..we thought we wanna go outside Seoul for a weekend. Something like camping. Everyone is in.

-Even Kihyun?

-Yeah.

-Huh..what did you promise him he actually agreed to go out of his way to babysit us for?

-Haha hyung, you sound as if we are pests.

-"Zagiya, I don’t want to take your pink glasses off but that’s what I believe." Hyungwon gives a tired smile. "He almost knocked me down the stairs yesterday because I forgot to do laundry".

-Well, that does sound like Kihyun.

-Anyway, are you in? Minhyuk will come a bit later in the evening. He went to visit his grandma.

-Hmm..is Hyunwoo ok’ with it?

-Yeah, actually it was his idea.

-Aha, like hell I would believe ya’.

-Ok, it was us…we just wanted to hang out with everyone in a neutral environment.

-What about Hoseok?

-"Ahh Hoseok hyung was not very excited but agreed anyway," Jooheon says a little nervously.

Changkyun is sitting half-way facing Hyungwon one leg up on the couch, biting his nail slowly. Hyungwon doesn't show many reactions.

-Okay, what time are we leaving?

-The manager will arrive at 10 AM.

-Alright, sorry guys. I am a little tired so I better go to bed. Babe, mind giving me one of your magic pills?

-Ahh sure, it’s in my room.

-"See you later, hun." Hyungwon strokes Jooheon's hair and slowly shifts his legs after Changkyun.

Jooheon was watching them as they left. Seconds later Hoseok and Hyunwoo crash into the door, hands full of bags.

-"Jooheon, help us out," Says Hoseok.

-What’s that?

-Proviant.

-This much? We are going for two nights plus they do have malls there, are you aware of that much?

\- We wanted good quality meat. We didn't want to risk it.

-Ok Ok, ah Hyungwon-ah is coming as well.

Jooheon is looking first at Hoseok who flinched and lost focus for a second and then at Hyunwoo who frowned a bit.

-"What? What do you mean he is also coming? Of course, he is coming. It wouldn't make sense to go only six of us." Says Hyunwoo.

-Yeah, you’re right but you know he has been out of it these days.

Hyunwoo bites his lip into the mouth.

-Yeah, I know. I don't know what's eating him but I am impressed we actually picked it up. Usually, he goes on without showing his true colors. He didn’t come to talk to me as well. Hoseok, did he stop by to have a chat with you?

-"Ah, no." Hoseok replies in a small voice and Jooheon knows this conversation makes him uncomfortable.

-Ok, Ok…come on in guys, stop standing like that.

* * *

Hyungwon sat on the bed while Changkyun was searching for medication.

-Hey.

-Yeah?

-Why do you have those anyway?

-You know I am pretty sensitive considering sleep and whenever I get physically exhausted I am unable to have a goodnight's sleep. I take them for a week or two and my sleep comes to the norm.

-Hmm.

-Well, what about you? I am afraid tomorrow might snow because Hyungwon-ah is unable to sleep. Bad dreams or?

-Hmm…let’s say I have similar struggles.

-"Even though our schedule is not busy?" Changkyun eyes Hyungwon who is obviously searching for a pretext inside his mind.

-Hey, you know you don’t have to lie. Just say you don’t wanna talk about it. I will understand.

Hyungwon's face doesn’t change. Changkyun was sure his words would at least fluster him.

-"No," Hyungwon looks up into his eyes. "No, it's just, it needs time to come to the norm. That's it."

He stands up, picks the pills Changkyun was holding in his hand. 

-"Thanks, I will go and try to have some sweet dreams". Hyungwon kisses him on the temple and soundlessly closes the door behind him.

Changkyun kept his eyes fixated on the door for a minute, slowly biting nails on his left thumb again. After giving it some thought he leaves and knocks at Hoseok's room.

-Hyung, are you in there?

-"Changkyun?" Says the voice behind him. “Do you need anything?”

-Ah, you took a shower. I wan to have a word with you. Should I come in later?

-Haha, what’s that? Come in.

Chankyun flops on the bed without asking and Hoseok sits on the chair next to his table. He dries his hair quickly and puts the towel around his neck.

-So, what’s up?

-Umm..I might be a little nosy but I think you should make up with Hyungwon. Just apologize even if he is wrong and let it go. He seems a little unnatural.

Hoseok looks at Changkyun, he stares at him back.

-Do you think I had a fight with him?

-Didn’t you?

-Not quite.

-Whatever it is, you better do something about it quickly. He is having insomnia. It must be serious.

-Insomnia? Hyungwon?

-Yeah, I gave him some pills so he doesn't lose his mind in the meanwhile.

Hoseok bites on his lower lip. His eyes start wandering around.

-Hoseok.

-Yeah?

-What did you do to him?

-Nothin’

-That’s what Hyungwon keeps on parroting. Let me give you a piece of advice - do not make the story from 1,5 years ago repeat. We all are human beings and we do have our problems and misunderstandings. Last time he was like this he ended up turning into a malnourished ghost. It took him months to get over whatever both of you fucked up. Don’t make him a scapegoat of your feelings again. Please.

Changkyun stands up and closes the curtains. He looks at Hoseok, but the guy is deep in his thoughts, so he just quietly leaves.

“Ha, hahahaha” Hoseok is having a hysteria inside his mind.

“Did it look like I made Hyungwon a scapegoat of my own feelings? That’s what they think? Ridiculous.

It’s not that complicated. If I heard it last year it would be hard to hold in laughter. 

Why is it that it is not as funny as I thought it would be? 

The guy I fell in love with doesn’t believe me. He is avoiding me with all he’s got. 

He cannot sleep and that’s all because of me? The only laughable moment is the fact that Hyungwon-ah indeed is thinking about me. I wonder when the time he hates me comes. 

UGH Love is complicated. Feelings are complicated. They are inevitable but are so burdensome at the same time. 

Do I really want him back? Why did I say those words back then? Die if I don't get him to love me? What a joke. 

I've been dead inside for a while now. What is it in him I want? Or is it that I want him to see something in me? My personal angel, who is going to save me? 

Agh, my filthy thoughts make me sick to the stomach. Disgusting. 

I want him. I like him. This much should be enough, right? 

No..Hyungwon did say something like… what did trigger me? What was it? I wonder. 

I was fine. I mean, I am perfectly fine right now - jealousy. I was jealous, right. I didn't like him to be around too many unfamiliar faces. 

God, does it make me a fixated pervert now? Maybe I should really consider calling a shrink. I might be on the way to kpop Hallyu stars who will end up drooling all over themselves and not be able to tell apart wrong from right. 

I might as well sign under it at this moment, what I am doing to Hyungwon is evil even to me. 

However, it doesn't change the fact that I will be happy with him, he can make me happy. I want it to happen again. 

Even if this chance is low and it might be quick… I want his heart to love my shallow self once again. I am willing to gamble.”

* * *

Hoseok quietly knocks at Hyungwon's door. 

No answer. 

He enters the room and sees Hyungwon sleeping with his headphones on. He slowly takes them off and takes the phone away. 

The song he was listening on repeat was “Broken Heart”. Hoseok stares at the screen and then at Hyungwon's sleeping face for a second.

“What’s this?” His bones start to ache. 

“Hyungwon-ah, if you start hating me before giving me second chance I might as well lose the last human piece I've got. And that's my feelings towards you. Even if they are shallow, dark, obsessive and are useless I need you to show me the light," he thinks. 

He sits in Hyungwon's legs silently, turns on the song and listens to it twice. Meanwhile, he slowly touches Hyungwon’s hand and lines simple shapes on it. 

After he was done he stood up, tucked Hyungwon's blanket tighter and sighed harshly. 

“Is it even worth it?" he mumbles and leaves as soundlessly as he came.

Hyungwon blinks twice. He watches at the clock - 1 AM, he needs to wake up at 9. 

He sighs and knows he won't be able to fall asleep, again. He waits until he is absolutely sure no one is awake and goes to the living room to watch movies until he sees the first person to wake up - Kihyun.

-Gosh, you scared me. What's up? Why are you up so early?

-Mmm..

-Mm? So? When did you wake up? Don’t tell me you fell asleep on the couch? You know how uncomfortable it is to sleep on.

-Don’t worry.

-Ish, Hyungwon. You aren’t very talkative. Anyway, do you want some coffee?

-"Yes, please." Hyungwon says quietly and turns back to the TV.

Kihyun hasn’t noticed it before but now that Hyungwon is in front of him he is well aware Hyungwon has pretty impressive dark circles and he is extremely pale. He looks sick- extremely sick if you can say so.

-You look like you lost some weight. You have to eat lots today. I am making a special recipe bbq.

-"Sure", responds Hyungwon without many reactions.

They’ve been silent for a while when the rest started to gather around.

-"Hyungwon, you have dark circles." Exclaims Hyunwoo as he zooms on his face.

The lack of sleep is yielding on him but since he is not the most energetic out there on a usual basis he knows he will be able to survive the day without any problems.

He is a little shaken Hyunwoo's face is so close but he knows exactly what he has to do - pretend, pretend like there is no tomorrow.

-Mm..maybe. I haven't seen myself in the mirror.

-"Didn’t pills work?" Gasps Changkyun.

-They did, thanks.

-"Pills?" Kihyun's face is suspicious.

-He has trouble sleeping so I gave him some.

-"You woke up quite early for a person who is literally married to bed on a daily basis, but since you took medication...Why is it that you were up earlier than I am?" Kihyun and basically everyone turns to look at Hyugwon at this point.

-"Guys, stop it. It's too early for interrogations. I will go take a shower." He stands up, washes his cup and slowly motions towards the bathroom.

-"He is weird", says Kihyun.

-"Why?" Asks Hoseok.

-He has been up for a pretty long time when I came down. And if he took insomnia pills he should be sleeping like a corpse. He looks bad, his circles have gotten so dark I am sure makeup noona will scold him when she sees that face of his. He is up to something.

Hoseok regretted asking the second Kihyun spoke. 

Everything is his fault, that's what Kihyun was trying to say. He just didn't know who to address with the list of accusations.

-"You're right, Kihyun." Changkyun and Jooheon picked up.

-"We gotta cheer him up," both of them say in unison as they quickly come up with silly ideas Hyunwoo is not very happy to hear about.

* * *

Hoseok thought Hyungwon was done so he was a little surprised when he was still in.

-I am about done, brushing my teeth. Come in if you need anything.

It was Hoseok, he was sure it was anyone but him.

-Hey.

-"Hi", Hyungwon looks at him in the reflection of the mirror. “Give me a minute.”

-No problem, I will brush my teeth for now.

They didn't say a word. Even though Hoseok was peeking at him through the reflection of the mirror, Hyungwon's eyes were dead set on one spot that didn't move at all. 

“Kihyun was right though, he does look bad. But why, didn't he sleep?!” Hoseok wonders while Hyungwon puts his toothbrush in place and now is slowly leaving.

-See ya.

-Sure, that's what Wonho wanted to say but Hyungwon has already disappeared.

* * *

Usually, Hyungwon would be in the dreamland by now, but not these days. He sat next to the manager this time. 

Habitually, he would be somewhere in the back but not today. 

He was staring at the window for the longest time: trees, bushes, small woods, and fields. He liked nature. It made his heart skip a beat how beautiful sometimes nature can be. 

However, today wasn't the day. He didn't enjoy anything, he didn't want anything, he was extremely exhausted and he knew that's not how it should be. 

He felt sorry he wasn't alone in his room. 

He felt sorry his bandmates had to worry about him. 

He felt sorry the reason he was like this was sitting behind him. 

He felt a pang in his heart, he was miserable. 

He knew he had to let it all go.

-Manager, are you staying with us?

He looks surprised but happy. “No, sorry...I need to go back to Seoul. I will pick you up on Sunday evening though.” He eyes Hyungwon for a while.

-You don’t look too good today.

-Manag..

\- I am glad you asked me. You didn’t say a word to me today.

-How? I greeted you.

-"You bowed but didn’t word them," He turned back to looking at the road with a small smile on his face.

* * *

-"I miss Minhyuk", Hyungwon mumbles as they unpack. 

They rented a nice villa near the river, spacious living room with kitchen, huge terrace. Hyungwon is sharing a room with Jooheon.

-Don’t sweat, he will arrive in the evening.

-I know.

-"Guys, come help me with lunch", shouts Kihyun.

Jooheon groans and Hyungwon gives out a weak smile. 

As they leave the room they come across Hyunwoo and Hoseok. 

Hyunwoo whispers "Kihyun's inner Nagging Master started to act out as soon as we arrived." Jooheon started to laugh loudly and Hyungwon laughed softly and looked to his right where Hoseok was walking. Hoseok caught his eyes, Hyungwon didn't avoid him but slowly his gaze fell towards the wall and then in front of him.

They had lots of fun. 

The weather was nice and the food was good. Minhyuk had issues with transportation so he decided to come tomorrow morning. 

Everyone was sitting on the terrace near the bonfire.

Jooheon and Changkyun were fighting about the nonsense they heard from Minhyuk, but since he didn't pick up his phone they couldn't confirm who was right, so they were just throwing remarks at each other. 

Hyunwoo was nonstop eating, while Kihyun being as nice as he is was standing on standby so the food wouldn't get burnt. 

The only socially awkward people turned out to be Hyungwon and Hoseok. 

Hoseok didn't realize it himself, but he was following Hyungwon with his gaze the whole day. 

He tried to see something in him, maybe prove something to himself. Maybe he tried to understand why it had to be Hyungwon if he had a choice. 

It was an easy question - there was hardly anything in him that irritated Hoseok. 

Hyungwon is different. He doesn't think so himself but Hoseok is sure he is unique. He is kind, not pretentious, he is vocal and doesn't have problems speaking up. He is trustworthy, sensitive and he can sense people, he could love someone like himself. 

There are many fake people lately but he was real. He was the one to help to keep Hoseok in one piece. 

Hoseok started to pity himself. He was stupid enough to reject his love. He regrets it now but back then he was sure he was doing the right thing. 

Hoseok tried to imagine being in Hyungwon's shoes but failed miserably. He had an idea of why Hyungwon was behaving the way he did. He knew it all well. He knows like no one else what it is to be depressed. He knows it too well - he knows why anger, sadness and any sort of frustration builds up in one's heart. 

He understands Hyungwon doesn't trust him. That’s it! That's what he was missing out. Trust. One of the vital qualities a human must possess, he doesn't have it anymore. Right, who would trust him if he doesn't trust himself? Gruesome.

While Hoseok was having self debates he lost focus of Hyungwon, interestingly enough this time Hyungwon locked his eyes on him.

"What is he doing?" Hyungwon thought.

"Is he fighting his inner demons or something? He looks distressed.” 

The taller guy continues to contemplate while he was slowly blinking, his hand supporting his cheek. 

At some point their eyes met, Hoseok was bewildered. His eyes were running hectically in different directions. Hyunwon's face longed out as he sat up in surprise. 

"Hyungwon doesn't love me anymore. I missed my chance, he is right. There is no slightest reason to love me. I betrayed him in every aspect. Why would he? No one will be able to. No one." As Hoseok is searching for something he meets Hyungwon's gaze who is looking at him concerned. 

"No, don't look at me. Don't!" He thinks as he stands up and says

-"I guess I will have a drink. Does anyone want to join me?"


	4. Chapter 4

Hoseok went to get a second round of drinks. 

He didn't hear anyone come in, so when Hyungwon appeared to his right to say he was surprised was an understatement. He jumped.

-What is it?

-"I didn’t want to scare you, I am just giving you a hand," Hyungwon says audibly enough only for Hoseok to hear.

-It’s ok, I will manage it on my own. Go sit down.

-"You won’t be able to take it one go. Let me help, I am already here", his voice is soft and calm. 

He tries to take a glass, Hoseok didn't expect it and by surprise, he half screams “I said I am fine” as he pushes Hyungwon.

Hyungwon loses his balance and falls down hitting the edge of the kitchen table on the way.

Hoseok is mortified.

-God, what did I do? Are you ok?

He kneels down to take a look at Hyungwon who is holding his head, his face is crooked with pain but he doesn’t make a single sound.

-Hyungwon, are you ok?

His head is buzzing.

-Yeah, I am fine.

-You look like you are in pain.

-No, umm it is okay. Really, don't give me that look.

-"I am so sorry, I didn’t want to, I just got surprised." Hoseok looks at him, his eyebrows meeting each other and he is furiously biting his lip.

-It’s fine. Go give them their drinks, I can hear Jooheon's yelping through the closed doors.

-Give me a second, I will be fast.

Hoseok turned around in seconds but Hyungwon was not in the kitchen anymore.

He rushed to the living room but there were no traces of him. 

He started to run to the second floor and slowed down as he saw Hyungwon slowly walking by the wall and entering his room, closing the door behind him. 

“Blood!” stroke Hoseok’s mind. 

"There was blood on the back of his head. First aid kit. Where is it?” 

"Kihyun," yelled Hoseok as he was running down. 

Everyone started to be a little concerned but he reassured it wasn’t serious “at least that’s what he hoped for.” 

He said he and Hyungwon are done for today and briskly ran away.

* * *

Knock on the door.

-Hyungwon.

-Hyungwon-ah!

-"Go away." The voice was lifeless.

-"It’s me, I am sorry I am coming in." Hoseok pushed himself through the door.

-Go away, I don’t want to see you at the moment.

Hoseok's heart stopped for a second but he brushed the feeling off.

-Hyungwon, I need to take a look at your head. You are bleeding.

-…

-Come now, sit up.

Hyungwon was laying on the bed in a star shape, his face in the pillow, his slippers are still on.

-Let me take them off.

-Ngghhh..don’t.

He takes them off and sits on the bed trying to take a better look at the wound. "Thank god it doesn't look serious," he thinks to himself.

-Hey, sit up. I need to take care of it. I will be fast.

-"Ughh,"he struggles to sit up. Hyungwon's back facing him. His shoulders are droopy.

-It might sting.

-Auch.

-I am sorry.

-Are you done? Please, leave now.

-How do you feel?

-I am very tired, I just want to sleep.

-"Hey, at least look my way while talking to me." Hoseok whispers.

-I thought our conversation is over? Hyungwon turns around to face Hoseok.

Too close, thinks Hyungwon. His face is too pale, thinks Hoseok.

-Ya, you sure you are ok? You look like a ghost.

-"Yeah, totally fine." He slowly blinks at the other guy.

-You don't look fine and you're slurring. Hey, are you sure you don't have a concussion?

-I said I am fine. I asked you to leave, why are you still here, Hoseok? Please.

-I will leave as soon as you fall asleep.

-You might stay till the morning then.

-What? Why?

-"Can’t sleep", he slowly blinks at Hoseok and starts rubbing his eyes.

-Do you want me to ask Changkyun for a pill?

-I have them, they don’t help.

\- Hoseok frowns. "They don’t?"

-Did you sleep well yesterday?

-"Didn’t have a wink of sleep." He still rubs his eyes.

-What? Hold on, did you see me coming to your room?

-Ah, yeah...I wanted to address you but... I was nodding off when you came in, so in theory, I did sleep.

-… did you hear what I say?

-Ah yeah…the part if it’s even worth it? Yeah, don’t worry, it is not. Now, Hoseok…

-"No, you don't understand." He sighs. “You don't understand.”

-Really? Hoseok, it is ok. I know how you feel, I understand it all. Don’t feel guilty. Just let it go. I already did.

-You did?

-Yeah, the reload is almost complete. Wait for me and I will be as good as new.

-"No, that’s not what I want though." He sighs. “Hyungwon-ah, I will do it for the first and last time. You have to forgive me in advance for what I am going to say.” He takes his hand, “Hyungwon..”

Hyungwon looks at Hoseok who frantically squeezes his hand. “Breath in, it is ok, you can do it.” Thinks Hoseok.

-Hoseok, what's wrong? Can it wait until tomorrow?

-No, I need to let you know or it will be too late.

-Too late for what?

-"For you to love me". He looks up into Hyungwon's tired eyes that are calmly staring at him back.

-Then say it.

-I-,I know what you mean when you said something must have triggered me. It was my pride. I didn’t want anyone to have you. I wanted to be the one next to you. I know, I behaved like a bastard when I cheated on you.

-Hoseok, it’s ok. Don’t.

-"No, and err..I don't know how to express it but you are the only person I wish to stay near the most. I don't necessarily know what love is, but I hope you can teach me." He peeks at Hyungwon who is looking at him and then slowly rolls his eyes. Hyungwon slowly moves his hand to line his right eyebrow. 

As he sighs he starts to speak softly but without a fail

-Hoseok, I am glad you finally realize how selfish you can be. Thank you for your kind words. It’s just..yes, I don’t think you know what real love is. You cherish your mom. She is the only person I believe you truly and unconditionally love. Do you know why it has to be me? Why is it that not someone else you want to stay beside?

-"I don’t know, my heart wants you." Hoseok gives a side smile.

-"Hoseok, umm…there is something that always bothers me whenever I am near you. It is not because you are a crabby overgrown kid that doesn't know how to use his strength.."

Hyungwon gives out a small smile while Hoseok gulps. He knows the storm is coming. 

“Hoseok, I am afraid you do not love yourself. You don’t know how to love yourself, that’s why you are obsessed to work out like crazy, you are obsessing over fans. One might think you are a little mad. I bet fans are in the seventh heaven, but not me. I see you. I see that you are trying hard to fill in that void inside your heart.”

Hyungwon pokes at his chest with an index finger. Hoseok looks at the finger and back at Hyungwon. 

His heart is sinking. He feels bare and has an irritable idea to run away. 

He knows he cannot though. He fiercely bites his lip, it looks like he can cut it through.

That’s it. That’s why his heart wanted Hyungwon. He sees through him. Even when he himself is not sure of his own feelings, Hyungwon always finds a way to express them.

-"You, you don’t want me. You don’t want me because I am a shallow human. Ugh." Hoseok sighs as he throws his head back.

-"No, I didn't say that", says cautiously Hyungwon while he is biting his nail and tries to find something on the wall.

-“You, why now? Was it only jealousy? That’s it?”

-There was something else.

-"Yes?" Hyungwon wonders.

-I am losing my senses every time you try to look sexy.

-Huh?

-"You’re biting your nails right now and I find it very erotic." Says Hoseok with a perplexed expression on his face.

-Ah..no. That’s not what I meant. Hold on, I am confused. Hoseok, let me think about it. Please, let me be for tonight.

-Can I stay with you?

-What. Why. No.

-Because if you refuse me tomorrow I won’t have a chance to ask for it ever again.

Hyungwon narrows his eyes at Hoseok who is smiling while looking somewhere to the right. 

Hyungwon's head is killing him and he wants some peace, at least for today. He closes his eyes.

-Ok, if you give me some ibuprofen from my bag, you can stay.

Hoseok silently jumps from the bed and goes to the kitchen to grab some water. 

He sees his bandmates in the middle of fun as he peeks his head through the door.

-Hey, Joo come here.

Jooheon is a little tipsy.

-Not sleeping yet?

-About to. Hey, can you stay in my room tonight? I will stay with Hyungwon.

Jooheon raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything. But then he snorts and...

-"Hah. Ok, no worries." He turns around without saying bye.

* * *

Hoseok slowly opens the door and comes by the bed.

-Hey, here is your pill.

Hyungwon was lying in a fetus position. He turns and reaches for pills and a bottle of water.

-Don’t you want to change?

-Nah, I was basically wearing pajamas before, it doesn't make sense to change into another one.

Hoseok quietly laughs, still standing awkwardly near the bed. 

Hyugwon jumped under the covers and opened it on Hoseok's side.

-Here. Aren’t you coming in?

Hoseok brightens up that he wasn’t asked to sleep on Jooheon’s bed. He climbs under the covers and turns on his left side in order to face Hyungwon.

-"Hey." He whispers.

-"Hey." Hyungwon mouthed but Hoseok couldn’t hear it.

Hyugwon was silently watching Hoseok who was visibly nervous. His pupils were shaking and Hyungwon could feel him fumbling under the sheets.

-Stop it. What are you doing? Let’s just sleep tonight. Ok?

Hoseok stops breathing for a second and then heaves a sigh of relief.

“Right.” He comes closer to Hyungwon and tugs himself close to his chest. Hyungwon deliberates for a second and then puts his left hand on Hoseok's back. He pats him for a few moments.

-It is alright. Sleep.

-Good night, Hyungwon.

-Good night, Hoseok.

Hoseok breathes in heavily for a minute or two and then slowly starts sleeping. 

His breath is slow and almost inaudible. 

Hyungwon was slowly blinking and listening to his breathing, he tried to feel Hoseok's heartbeat but couldn’t. 

He tried to shift a bit lower in order to catch it but gasps a bit as Hoseok opens his eyes.

-Shh sleep.

-"Mm... That’s a nice dream, haven’t had one in a while. Come, give me a kiss." Hoseok mumbles with a catty smile.

Hyungwon stares at Hoseok's face for a second and then kisses him on a forehead.

-Naww, that's not what I wanted. A real kiss, come on.

-"Ash, you crazy or something? Sleep." Whispers Hyungwon.

Hoseok smiles with his closed eyes.

-Haha even in my dreams Hyungwon is being his usual self.

Hyungwon pats his back until Hoseok falls deep into sleep. 

He was watching a guy next to him for a long time. 

He tried to remember all the good and bad things about him. 

He tried to remember the way he felt when he confessed, when they went on a first date and had the first fight. 

How hurt he was when he got cheated on and how desperate his heart was beating as Hoseok tried to put the blame on him and how he wanted him to forget "us".

-What about us?

-“There is no us. There were never us. It was always me, it was always you, we don't fit each other.” Hoseok once said.

These words broke his heart into small pieces every time he remembered them. 

They hurt him to this day. The only thing that has changed, is that the pain is dull now. His heart is not bleeding anymore. It's just the scars that remind of the wound. 

The worst thing though, he loves him. 

He never stopped loving him. 

All this time - it's been days, weeks, months… years now. 

He never stopped loving him. 

He feels numb pain panging his heart but his heart calms down in a few seconds. 

He is hurt but in love. Hyungwon knows Hoseok doesn't lie. 

He doesn't lie because Hyungwon reads him better than Hoseok can do it himself. 

A few months after meeting Hoseok he knew what kind of person he was. He could see it in his sad eyes.

Hoseok always, ALWAYS smiled. He was a hypocrite. He was a horrible hypocrite towards himself. 

The only thing that Hyungwon found real about him was his tears. Hoseok cried rather often for a guy. These were the moments when Hyungwon slowly started to fall in love with the other guy.

Most of the time Hoseok was crying not because someone hurt him, but because he himself was his worst enemy and tears were the only way to let it all out. 

Maybe Hyungwon is also a little sly. 

He found his small satisfaction in seeing Hoseok portraying his feelings so openly. 

-“Yes, both of us are abnormal. We have our own demons. I love him, I couldn’t let him go. I should try to make it work this time.” His eyes fall on Hoseok again. “He is still a kid deep inside. Vulnerable and sensitive. I have to protect you.”

-"You have to believe in me this time," whispers Hyungwon while brushing Hoseok's hair behind his ears.

* * *

Hoseok wakes up as the sun rays are poking his eyes. He slowly yawns and feels a bit disoriented. “Hyungwon. Right.”

Hyungwon is soundly asleep in front of him. His hands are laced under the pillow and half of his face is not visible because of the fringe.

-“Ah. Oh well, if he rejects me it’s going to be a fun ride. Man, I need to think positively.” Hoseok turns around and stretches, slowly gets off the bed and goes to get some coffee.

-Joo, you awake?

-"Shh..don't be so loud." Jooheon whispers while sticking his hand to his head.

Hoseok comes closer and stares at his face.

-You look pretty beat, bad hangover?

-I think I am still drunk. Damn Changkyun. I am gonna kill him when he wakes up.

-When did you go to bed?

-Don’t ask.

-Haha Ok, Want some coffee or you’ll be ok with your cereal bowl?

-Not coffee. Give me that carton of milk. I am so thirsty I think I will faint.

* * *

-Hey.

Jooheon is plastered on the couch in front of the TV.

-Yeah?

-I will go to the stream.

-With that mug?

-"Yeah," he chuckles.

-Alright. See you.

* * *

Hyungwon opens his eyes and immediately screws them up.

-"Guhh too much sunlight." He tries to probe the spot next to him. Empty. Hyungwon lays for another minute and slowly makes his way towards the kitchen.

-"Damn headache. Maybe I should take another pill." He sees Jooheon who is watching TV in a weird position.

-Good morning, hun.

-"Zagiya, you are awake." Jooheon turns to look at the taller guy.

-Oh god, what’s wrong with you? How much did you drink?

-Don’t ask.

He rubs Jooheon's forehead and smiles.

-You are still drunk, aren’t you?

-Zagiya, shhh…

-Haha ok ok. Anyone else is up?

-Hoseok.

-Ah right, where is he?

-Should be somewhere near a stream.

-Hmm..I will go talk to him.

\- …zagiya

-Yeah, zagiya?

-What’s up with hyung?

-What do you mean?

-"You gotta tell me the story later. Not today though." Jooheon turns around and starts switching channels.

* * *

-You are awake.

-"Gosh, you scared me." Hoseok jumped as he saw Hyungwon approaching him.

Hyungwon sits next to Hoseok.

-How did you sleep?

-Good.

-Good.

-How is your head?

-Ah…a bit of a headache but it is better today.

-You woke up early.

-Yeah. You woke up even earlier though.

-Sunlight was too bright.

-Yeah, that’s what woke me up as well. Anyway, about yesterday.

Hoseok tenses up. He slowly turns to face Hyungwon. He is looking somewhere straight.

-Yeah, about yesterday…

Hyungwon puts his hand on Hoseok's lap but looks somewhere far away.

-"I love you, Hoseok. I can’t stand you how much I love you. You upset me but I forget it, can’t remember it anymore. You touch my heart. I hope I touch yours as much as you do mine." 

He feels that Hoseok's lap is slightly shaking, he turns to face him.

-Hey, stop. Why are you crying?

He moves his leg through the bench and hugs Hoseok while holding him by the neck.

-"Hey, come on. Stop, please. Let me take a look." Hyungwon tries to look at Hoseok's face but the older hides in his chest.

-"Nngh don’t." Hoseok starts sobbing audibly.

-Ok, I won’t. Relax. What’s wrong?

-"I love you too." He breathes out through sobbing.

-Yes, I hope so too.

-"No." Hoseok looks at Hyungwon with tearful expression. „I really do love you, please believe me."

Hyungwon looks him in the eye and looks right into his soul.

Hoseok is wounded more than an average person because of his overly sensitive personality but his thoughts are not evil, and even though Hoseok's mind wants to be purified Hyungwon finds him beautiful as he is. He wants to take care of him.

-Hoseok, don’t cry, you have to take good care of me from now on.

Hoseok bursts into tears even more. While listening to Hoseok's heart beating crazily Hyungwon shed a couple of tears. 

He wasn't sure why, but he felt lighter.

* * *

Seven years later.

-Hyungwon-ah! Wake up, wake up I am telling you.

-Ugh..five more minutes.

-That was an hour ago. Come on, we need to pick up girls.

-Ah…damn, I forgot. Is it today?

-Yes, my mom’s glad to babysit them but Hae & Hea-won seem to be way too energetic for her lately.

-Heh, they are in a rascal age. Come, help me up.

Hoseok takes Hyungwon's hand and is about to pull him up but Hyungwon tugs him onto the bed.

-Gotcha.

Hyungwon brushes his hair behind his ears, gives him a sweet kiss and slowly whispers in his ear "I love you". 

Hoseok bites his ear and screams "I love you more," as he gives rush kisses all over his face and tugs him off the bed.

-Come now, love. We gotta pick up the kids.

~The End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 02.06.19.


End file.
